singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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