My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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