Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
