i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
