I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
