My liver just broke up with me...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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