When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
