a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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