I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
