Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
