Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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