my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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