Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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