Umm I'm too high to move.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Congratulations! We have a period
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