When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
