Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize
