What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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