alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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