He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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