My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
