You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
