Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
