You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
