i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
