So gin and wine won't be happening again
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
