woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
