i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
