he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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