I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
