then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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