I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
