I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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