1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
