is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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