when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
