I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
