Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You made out with two different species that night
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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