I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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