I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
