no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
