Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
