She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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