i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
