The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
