Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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