A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
