I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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