youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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