Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Houston, we have a blender
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
