I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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