i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
