nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dick very happy bro
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
