In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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