She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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