I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
