____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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