Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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