I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
