Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is Oprah even human
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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