I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
be right there i have to get my cape
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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