last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
