There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What drink are we having for lunch?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
