I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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