where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
