what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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