yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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