I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Two words: blizzard sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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