Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
