Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The Olympian is in my bed
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
