She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
